Friday, April 29, 2011

Sanity, Infants, and What THE F*cK is WRONG WITH ME!?

I am sitting here presently questioning my sanity. I have volunteered my body for yet ANOTHER human life to be created and come flying out on whatever day they chose. I am a vessel. And Yes, Childbirth IS beautiful and Yes, I AM lucky to get to experience such a beautiful thing.. especially twice. But, that also makes me wonder if I am a little crazy! I mean I have done this once already! The Diapers, the wipes, the crying, the breastfeeding gone wrong, the years spent worrying about development, the sickness... I could go on all day. No, I am not questioning whether I want to be pregnant again because I DO! I am just questioning if that makes me CRAZY! And Yes, the funny thing is Little Man WAS indeed an amazing baby! And not just in the "Oh, he's my baby so he is fantastic!" kinda way. I Mean in the Slept through the night fully by 4 months, went 12 hours one night randomly by himself and has been doing that ever since kinda way. (Excluding the few times he's been sick). He actually barely ever cried.. especially as an infant, and he's always been a very happy go lucky Little Man.  I have to admit.. this Ninja has had it VERY easy with him!

So as I sit here reflecting it makes me wonder. What if this one is colicky? What if this ones never sleeps? What if this one makes things VERY difficult and I am not prepared for it? What if I say What if too many times and Drive myself CRAZY!! When I got pregnant with Little Man I had all these feelings and more, because I didn't know what to expect and since I just thought it was customary to never get to sleep again after having a child, and have to listen to crying for hours, I had tried to prepare myself for that. But since Little Man was so easy I am wondering if this will make it HARDER this time around. I am wondering if this will change my expectations, even if I try to let it not to. I am hoping that I will be prepared for whatever happens because I KNOW every baby is different! But to what extreme do I know this? I mean Little Man was so laid back that if this one comes into the world kicking and screaming and giving me what for, I am afraid I will be shocked without meaning to be! I am unsure of how to realistically prepare myself for this all over again without having unrealistic expectations that this is going to be as easy as it was the first time. I know, I know.. I complain all the time that Motherhood can be difficult.. and believe me IT CAN! I am NOT by any means saying that Little Man is always easy to parent NOW, because THAT would be a lie. He IS still a great Little Man with fantastic manners and a good heart though and that's really all that matters! Any difficulties I have been having with him as of late are all circumstantial and age related. He has found his voice and I am glad he has.. most days.

Here I go, babbling on again in a pregnant onslaught of terror ridden thoughts. I am obviously just going to figure it out anyways, as I want another. I Don't want it to sound like I don't want another baby, because I do. that's why we tried again, thats' why I am pregnant.. because I always have wanted another one, and if that means colic and exhaustion then so be it.. if that is all I have to worry about and baby is otherwise healthy then bring it on. (Please don't misconstrue that as me asking for any of those things because I am not, I would of course prefer it to be sunshine and lollipops AND have a healthy baby if possible. Thank you) <-- Really have no idea who I was talking to right there but it made me feel better. See? I am going crazy.

Last time I gained 60 + Lbs and ended up looking like a road map. Not that it wasn't worth it but knowing what I know now I will do things a little differently this time around. Meaning, I will not eat 4 cheeseburgers with fries on them dipped in ranch sauce in one sitting, although I certainly want to now... There are so many things that I forgot about being pregnant and having a newborn. Lets just hope I make it through with a little of my sanity in tact by the day baby decides to come flying out of there to see the world.

Aside from that worrying, yes, I will probably have posts like this more frequently until my hormones return to normal and I can stop panicking. Sorry.

Little Man is still not feeling well, although he slept pretty well last night which was a comforting thing because I swear if I didn't get some sleep I was going to lose it. The up and down peeing, mixed with the up and down of checking on a Little man was too much for me the other night!

Anyways, I should go and get lunch on now. Let's hope I can AT LEAST do that without over thinking it.... I wouldn't put money on that.

1 comment:

  1. as a mom of four and trying for another , I must tell you each one is usually easier than the first. Sop relax and enjoy being pregnant :)